Haiku reviews

I hold many valuable opinions on music.

Here are my top 5 albums/EPs of the first half of aught-nine, in no particular order, presented in the concise and tranquil form of haiku.

Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

January melts
As readily as my brain
In summertime clothes

Dan Deacon – Bromst

Holy shit this guy
A spaz genius composer
Snookered me real good

Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest

So exquisitely
Arranged it almost transcends
This ironic form

Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

Fishing line threaded
Through Sugar Smacks then strung up
Across the heavens

Suckers – Suckers EP

Four songs. That's it. Four.
But they all kick so much ass
You have to believe

Home Depot's valuable opinion

Ordinary Horror

This book is teeth grindingly slow. And not much happens. Like, at all.

But it scared me. Or made me feel dread. Or disquiet. Or unease. I can't really put my finger on it because the author put "it" so far out on the periphery that it's just a blur.

I still don't know if this book is about the devastating natural degradation of the human mind (as suggested by the title), or about wicked, carnivorous, hallucinogenic flora and the apocalypse.

Either way, I recommend it for those of you who appreciate your horror with a literary twist. Or your lit with horrific undertones.

Don't drink and do page layout

My pie-hole itches

I commend Pace for putting the oddly hyphenated, yet mildly attention getting "pie-hole" into a headline. 

I just wish they would have taken it to its logical conclusion: Fire in the ass-hole.

Nothing says security like a bank using baseball metaphors.

So, National City, I sure hope your batting average is better than Milton Bradley's. Hey-ooo! 

But seriously, folks. Can't you just imagine the copywriter who came up with this one. "So, I'm trawlin' Getty for inspiration, and I find this baseball, I mean, dramatically cropped and everything, and I think, ball...ball...ball...BAT! Free associatin' like motherfuckin' Freud. Then for the CTA I'm all like gotta get somethin' in there like 'money bunt' or 'dollar sacrifice fly' and make sure the designer fucking italicizes it so that no one can miss my unprecedented conflation of sport and finance. Gettin' all Don Draper up in the hizzy."

Not all headlines are created equal

Lisztomania Brat Pack Mashup

This mashup of 80s teen movies with the summer confection Lisztomania by Phoenix is basically the AV equivalent of pop rocks and Mountain Dew. Try watching it without smiling.

Snickers Outdoor

My valuable reflection.

The Strain

I'm not sure how much of this enjoyable little vampire novel was actually written by Guillermo Del Toro, but I'm also not sure I care. He may have just been hanging over Chuck Hogan's shoulder, saying, "ooh, ooh, try 'desiccated'" and "have the one guy's eyes be, like crimson, and swimming with flagellating virus-worms." I mean, even if that was his only contribution, it would still be a worthy one.

The book is basically a medical thriller set in Salem's Lot, New York, and the vampires are the same seriously evil, hungry and shark-eyed cabal from King's classic. There's no Lestat here, no tortured soul. Just pure eating machines. In fact, in a way, it's a lot more like a zombie story.

My only complaint is that it's pretty clear, almost immediately, that this book is the first of a trilogy. Not that it's that unsatisfying of an ending. It just all feels like one big setup. An entertaining, bloody, violent, decently paced setup. No biggie. Also, I caught a couple of typos. Seriously? Del Toro, why I oughta...

Anyway, that's my valuable opinion.

My valuable first post

Welcome to my valuable first post. I've tried pretty much everything there is to try: karaoke, dreampainting, energy drinks. But now I'm off on a new kick. Telling you what I think. Maybe I'll tell you what I think about your blouse. Would you like that? Would you like that, huh? Okay then. It looks nice.

Without this blog, how would you know what I REALLY think about that sick new album, or that shitty billboard I just walked past, or that geeky little videogame that made me cry, or that Republican guy who just cheated on his wife with some Argentinian, or the split pea soup I just ate, or that other sick, sick album, or that movie that I Tivoed and am basically too embarrassed to admit that I sat all the way through? What? You plan on learning that from a status update on Facebook? Where I have to duke it out with your other 377 "friends?" Not bloody likely. I'm king here, pal, or lady, and you are my vassal. And this blog is my fief to you. So don't screw it up.

Welcome. Welcome to my valuable opinion.