Haiku reviews

I hold many valuable opinions on music.

Here are my top 5 albums/EPs of the first half of aught-nine, in no particular order, presented in the concise and tranquil form of haiku.

Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

January melts
As readily as my brain
In summertime clothes

Dan Deacon – Bromst

Holy shit this guy
A spaz genius composer
Snookered me real good

Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest

So exquisitely
Arranged it almost transcends
This ironic form

Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

Fishing line threaded
Through Sugar Smacks then strung up
Across the heavens

Suckers – Suckers EP

Four songs. That's it. Four.
But they all kick so much ass
You have to believe

Home Depot's valuable opinion

Ordinary Horror

This book is teeth grindingly slow. And not much happens. Like, at all.

But it scared me. Or made me feel dread. Or disquiet. Or unease. I can't really put my finger on it because the author put "it" so far out on the periphery that it's just a blur.

I still don't know if this book is about the devastating natural degradation of the human mind (as suggested by the title), or about wicked, carnivorous, hallucinogenic flora and the apocalypse.

Either way, I recommend it for those of you who appreciate your horror with a literary twist. Or your lit with horrific undertones.

Don't drink and do page layout

My pie-hole itches

I commend Pace for putting the oddly hyphenated, yet mildly attention getting "pie-hole" into a headline. 

I just wish they would have taken it to its logical conclusion: Fire in the ass-hole.

Nothing says security like a bank using baseball metaphors.

So, National City, I sure hope your batting average is better than Milton Bradley's. Hey-ooo! 

But seriously, folks. Can't you just imagine the copywriter who came up with this one. "So, I'm trawlin' Getty for inspiration, and I find this baseball, I mean, dramatically cropped and everything, and I think, ball...ball...ball...BAT! Free associatin' like motherfuckin' Freud. Then for the CTA I'm all like gotta get somethin' in there like 'money bunt' or 'dollar sacrifice fly' and make sure the designer fucking italicizes it so that no one can miss my unprecedented conflation of sport and finance. Gettin' all Don Draper up in the hizzy."

Not all headlines are created equal